Communicating Your Anger Authentically

The other day, I was at Trader Joe’s.  I couldn’t help but over hear a couple arguing loudly in the parking lot.  It was not unlike what I often experience in my office when working with couples.  Once again, it made me think about the value and power of authenticity. 

“Everyday Authentic Living”: Secret Lives

I believe that audiences will forever be captivated by stories such as the recent ”Craig’s List” story because the message speaks to so many people  living ” secret lives.”   Hopefully not nearly as profound or dangerous. 

Let’s face it, you’re pretty much invisible behind a computer screen.    I guess that explains all of the internet addictions springing up.   Hiding is easier than ever.   What would happen if you were to REVEAL instead of hide?

“Everyday Authentic Living”: Using Food To Mask Your Pain

 ”I either go on an eating binge or deprive myself of food - every time I feel hurt,  rejected, disappointed or unhappy with myself.”    This is a reoccurring theme in my work with eating disorders.

Using food to mask your pain adds yet another layer of self-loathing,  makes you obsess about your body image/weight, and then you worry that you’ll never escape from this vicious cycle. 

Eating Disorders are another example of how you get lost, how perceptions of who you are become so distorted (including body image), because beneath it all,  you’re masking pain related to the need to feel loved and accepted. 

The key is how you choose to manage your needs and fears.   All I can say, is you’re way off track, if you believe that winning love means living up to a certain image based upon your beauty, success, or perfection.   Chances are you’ll create bigger problems by not looking at whatever it is that you can’t accept in yourself.   Deal with it.

If you believe you’re unlovable, then how can you expect others to feel any differently?  How will you ever be able to embrace it (love)?  These are the seedlings for self-defeating prophecies.

 The solution?  Find healthier alternatives for expressing pain and meeting your needs.   USE your pain/fear to uncover and discover important aspects of  “you”.   Take a look at ALL of what makes you who you are so that you can find what there IS to celebrate, and enjoy. 

You’re going to have to find a lens that can see beyond those flaws or you’ll never find the right recipe for giving or receiving healthy love.   Remember - YOU are the only person that can find the validation you most need.

“Everyday Authentic Living – At Work, & School” Part 2: Adolescence & Appearances

Adolescence is a time of such angst and constant comparisons among peers to validate identity  based upon status, achievement, popularity and appearances. 

This is a critical time because it is the very root of where the struggle with authenticity really begins – the whole issue of definining who you are as an individual, separate from family, peers, and the many demands from teachers, parents, etc. 

Worries about approval, sexuality issues,  and “appearance” cause intense stress during this stage of life.  As if that isn’t enough, there is the whole “college thing” and once again, fears about being “accepted” or “rejected”.

The other day, I was talking with a 17 year old girl who describes herself as always feeling anxious in situations at school because she is consumed by how others “see” her.   This creates many problems,  prevents her from maximizing her capabilities, interferes with her achievement, (grades are suffering), and stops her from pursuing her areas of talent.   Why?  She’s working overtime to keep her head above water just to win approval and compensate for what she perceives to be her flaws. 

She can’t ask for help (at school) because she is afraid she’ll appear “stupid”.  She believes she is ”fat”  (though she clearly is not) so she is extremely self-conscious, which inhibits her from participating in any sport (which is one of her talents).

Bottom line – this is only one of many adolescents who never realize their talent because of  fears and inhibitions related to appearances.  It is no coincidence that eating disorders, substance abuse, and other addictions have their early beginnings during this stage of life.

Perhaps it’s time for those who “lead” and influence adolescents (parents, teachers, counselers, etc.) to take a pause and evaluate the messages you are sending (overtly or covertly).

Are you overly focused on issues related to “perfection”, “measuring up”, “physical appearance”, “success”?    Are you comfortable with failure, vulnerability, revealing weakness/flaws?  Can you admit to being human and making mistakes? 

HOW OFTEN DO YOU ENCOURAGE THE POSITIVES - THOSE STRENGTHS, TALENTS, AND QUALITIES WHICH ARE UNIQUE?  OR ….ARE YOU MOSTLY FOCUSING ON WHAT NEEDS TO BE IMPROVED – THE PROBLEMS, AREAS OF WEAKNESS AND LIMITATIONS??

Don’t forget that each individual is unique and whatever you do, try to avoid imposing your own expectations and needs.   Build upon what is unique and make that a positive!

Guarded & Fragile – Authentic Discoveries From A Violin

In my office, I have a few musical props – a guitar and a violin.   The guitar sits in the corner on a stand and the violin is up one on of my bookshelves.  

A good friend/colleague,  introduced me to the idea of using musical props as  a vehicle for clients to express feelings and share their stories.   

One day, a client asked me about my violin.  She talked about how small and fragile it seemed.  I asked her if she’d like to pick it up and hold it, even if she didn’t want to take a shot at playing it.  Her mood instantly shifted to sadness and she became teary eyed. 

I asked her if she could tell me more about her reaction to the violin, why it seemed so fragile and why holding it scared her.   She was crying at this point and said she was embarrassed.  This lead to a discussion about being fragile, how it scared her.  She was taught never to show weakness.  She doesn’t normally cry and her husband too, becomes upset and frustrated with her if she talks about being sad.  What does she do with these feelings, I asked?   She answered, that she’s learned to avoid crying or showing weakness because it only creates more problems. 

I explained that often people become upset and uncomfortable when others reveal something that is frightening and forbidden for THEM.   This does not mean there is anything wrong or unusual about sadness.  Feelings are neither ”right” or “wrong”, but are triggered by important events and are there for important reasons.  All feelings are REAL for those experiencing them and need to be understood and expressed.

Tears escalated into sobs and she shared her story about a miscarriage and the loss of a precious little fragile infant.   Something she’s never “talked about”.

Afterward, we discussed the many metaphors associated with holding that instrument.  No wonder she wasn’t able to “cradle” that “fragile” little violin beneath her chin.  She now understood the meaning & by just visualizing the violin, this opened the door for sharing her secret and disclosing her pain.

It is unfortunate that so many secrets and feelings, must be kept quiet, locked away, guarded, and protected, all because  being “fragile” somehow scares so many people. 

This reminds me of the message:   “FRAGILE – OPEN WITH CAUTION”.   Both seem to imply that by allowing yourself to be fragile, it means you are susceptible to being broken.  Not a good message to live by.

My violin still sits unbroken on my shelf,  ready to be cradled,  played, and enjoyed, in spite of it’s delicate tiny shape.

“Everyday Authentic Living – At Work, Home & School” Part 1: The Test

I was having a conversation with a very close friend today.  She was telling me about a test that her husband needs to take as part of a job interview.  A TEST that creates such anxiety because if you “fail” and “really reveal” yourself, you might not get the job!

So – where is the balance?  You want to tell the truth but you know you’re also trying to walk the line of putting on a certain image – like being the person they want for the job.  

Okay, so we talked about the questions and the characteristics they’re actually looking for in their candidates.   Do they want “aggressive” or “compliant”?   Where does “aggressive” or “demanding” translate into “egotistical”?    Is it okay to be “competitive” or is this perceived as negative and cut throat?  How about “relaxed”?  Does this mean they will think you’re “unconcerned” or “lazy”?  Overload!  Feels like a game and the winner is the person who figures out how to answer the trick questions!  

No wonder there is such anxiety attached to these TESTS.  There is hardly the opportunity to just relax and be YOU!

All of this got me thinking about life in general and how that test is a metaphor for so many other situations when you’re feeling measured or evaluated.  HOW do you respond?

Is your life like a job interview, like this test?   Think about the person you really are vs the person you let others see.  Where are the inconsistencies and what do you give up in the process?

Seems like you’re losing lots of good, productive, creative energy that could be spent on expanding your talent, improving your relationships and building upon your strengths,  rather than worrying about measuring up.

 Whatever the metaphor is for that “job” in your life and who you are when you’re put to the test – evaluate whether you really want it, especially  if  means not being you!

Authentic – off season

Plumb Plumb Island beach was empty, expansive, & uninhabited this past weekend.  An incredible experience and one to be savoured. 

 I was thankful for the nature preserve and the fact that we were there during “off season”.   We experienced everything in it’s most primitive form on the beach – just miles and miles of surf, sand, salt air and gulls.  Low tide brought more surprises with the sea foam, sympthony of waves, little tiny bubbles, rippling of water on sandbars, and an expansion of an already vast beach.

The whispy sea grasses made me feel whimsical and climbing the dunes offered us panoramic views.  I nestled into the dunes, so warm and so inviting in the sun, sheltered from the wind.  The sky was pure and blue.

So many authentic moments to be thankful for in life.  So many gifts and lessons from my beach experience.   Finding the things we’re passionate about, letting go, being free of expectations , no pretenses, being in the moment,  only to discover what is authentic - partly because it was off season – and because we could just ”be”, and well, just because “it is what it is”.

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What scares you most about being “you”? – Face it

What scares you most about simply being “you”?   Do you know what triggers your greatest fears? 

 From my experience as a psychotherapist and coach, most people get into big trouble because they get lost under layers of protecting themselves, years of being in hiding, camouflaging, - afraid to reveal themselves – afraid to reveal their pain.

You learn from an early age to cover up weakness, fear, pain and vulnerabity – you’ve been taught to avoid unpleasant situations and to put that pain and fear in a vault.   BIG MISTAKE.  Don’t do it because these will inevenitably resurface in unhealthy ways like anxiety, depression, problems in relationships, inhibit your peformance/success, etc.

Best way to deal with all of this is to face it - LOOK at it – and learn how to work with your fears in the best ways possible.

Remember that saying, “You can run but you can’t hide”?   So true & exactly why people get lost.

The other day, I asked someone why they came to see me.  On the surface, everything seemed fine.   He replied, “A friend of mine told me that you help people to find themselves.   I’m restless and always feel uneasy, anxious and have trouble sleeping.   Something scares me about being myself.  It’s like I’m running on empty.  I can never relax.   I have everything I want in my life  – everything except being relaxed with myself.   I was told that you help people when they feel lost. ”……Our work began right there.

Blogging “angst” – Putting Myself Out There

Ok.  This feels better.  Second blog is easier than the first and yes, I’m trying not to edit much because it takes away from my genuine expression – the raw experience.

When I first started this process I was sharing my “angst” about blogs and it just so happened to be my very intuitive mother who encouraged me to talk about my experience with blogging, exactly as I’m feeling it.  After all, if my work is based on the belief that we need to own who we REALLY are and put ourselves out there, how can I NOT? 

I tend to be too hard on myself and had to remind myself that whenever you try something new you’re bound to experience some anxiety.  Just don’t let the fear stop you and don’t go into hiding like I almost did!  Challenge the fear and shake hands with it, look it in the eye, and don’t make fear your enemy.  

Basically all of the work that I do with people involves helping them to uncover some type of fear.  

The reason that people respond defensively,  go into protective mode, and cannot be authentic in situations is based on one single issue – FEAR. 

 Why?   Because everyone needs to feel loved, valued, accepted and to feel safe.  The bigger question is what does this cost you?

Uncovering Fear – Blogging Authentically

 HERE GOES!  BLOG WORLD!!…The last thing that I expected to learn about myself - that I’d be so intimidated by blogging, okay…so much for my spontaneous expression!

 

I don’t get it.  I have a great comfort level with people, one of the reasons that people seem to connect and engage easily with me – an important component of my work, as a psychotherapist and coach. So what’s up with this fear around blogging?  Why am I approaching this with such trepidation and self-reticence?  What lies beneath these emotional and psychological road blocks?  What IS MY FEAR?

 

Introspectively, I think I have identified the reason. It’s all new & unfamiliar territory and I am announcing myself publically, taking a risk by sharing my ideas.  So, here it is – MY OWN AUTHENTIC DISCOVERY!   It’s time for me to utilize this new challenge for my own growth. I won’t blog unless I can do it authentically.  

 

I have to share my own personal struggle to uncover the fear, be able to reveal myself, so that I can blog freely and without pretenses.  No different than my work – uncovering, revealing and then discovering.  More on that later.  First, I have to get comfortable in my own skin with this blogging process!