April 27th, 2011

In a recent interview with my guest, Dr. Richard Schwartz, an internationally renowned psychologist and author, we talked about what it takes to be a self-lead person and how the “true self” is finally able to emerge – not an easy process, considering  all of our inner layers and parts.

Ask yourself,  when do you get charged up emotionally?  What gets you activated?

Consider your relationship to your thoughts and emotions, how your inner parts interact with each other, how you relate to the parts of you that you dislike or don’t want others to see.  How do YOU talk to those parts of you?  Perhaps this is when your “internal critic”, “task master”, “perfectionist”, or “pessimistic” part (among others) step in, as Richard suggests in his book.

As I’ve learned from my work, most of us just want to be rid of these parts, wishing them away – but they won’t go away.  It’s about getting these parts of us to relax that allows the true self to emerge.

In my conversation with Richard, he talked about the importance of learning to be “curious” (like the innocent child) and “compassionate” to all of these parts of us.  Being curious, like the inquisitive child, and compassionate, versus being judgmental or harsh.  As you learn to step back, unburden and be compassionate to all of your internal parts, THIS is when the authentic, “true self”, has the opportunity to emerge and to lead.

Richard described the self-lead person as having the following characteristics: Curiosity, Compassion, Confidence, Creativity, Calmness, Clarity, Courage and Connectedness.  No wonder we just intuitively FEEL the presence of a self-lead person!

I credit Dr. Richard Schwartz for his clarity and the applicable way in which he describes this complex process of working with our inner parts.

Remember  that leading with the “true self” offers you the opportunity to live a more joyful life, a life that is rich, full of meaning and passion.

A final message from Dr. Schwartz as we concluded the interview, “May the SELF be with you”.

So what happens and why do we get so stuck?  It’s more about the emotional parts of who we are than the intellectual component.  I think it’s almost always related to the fear of being judged, the fear of failing, making mistakes, and sometimes even the fear of succeeding.

It seems like the common theme boils down to the fear of our own vulnerability – the fear of revealing our weakness.  This is why it takes much introspection, insight, and learning to effectively manage our fear so that we can become more authentic in all of the roles we perform.

I usually suggest that people take a closer look and do some “real” self-examining.  In each of the roles that you’re performing – ask yourself, are your goals, values, beliefs and interests REALLY aligned with who you are?  Is your inner voice positive, forgiving, and compassionate?  Remember, your inner voice is the product of past experiences and layers of messages throughout your life.  Pay attention to that voice and figure out how much of what you hear is really coming from YOU.

To add to the complexity, you’re also going to be projecting your own beliefs onto others.  Once you’ve assigned all of these self-beliefs to your audience, your staff, your spouse, your kids, and your boss, you’ve just created your own subjective reality.  But is it real and how does this help you (or not)?  Do you live a life positioning yourself to be on the defense as you look for safety and protection?  How does this help you to connect with others and with that authentic part of you?

Understand what scares you and learn how to work with it.  It IS through those moments of fear and struggle that you can find your greatest discoveries in authenticity.  The more authentic, the more powerful and effective you’ll be in your performance.  Let’s remember that “performance” is not just when you’re in the spotlight – it’s all that you bring to your roles in everyday life at work and at home.

Challenges are opportunities that lead to authentic growth and change IF you choose to utilize these to live a healthier, happier, more productive authentic life.

AUTHENTIC  LOVE HAS NO REQUIREMENTS EXCEPT BEING YOU.

BASIC BUT NOT SIMPLE.  DISCOVERING  AUTHENTIC  LOVE  CANNOT HAPPEN UNTIL YOU FIND THE AUTHENTIC CONNECTION  BETWEEN “YOU” AND LOVE.  DO YOU LIKE WHO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR?  HOW MUCH OF YOUR OWN CORE VALUES AROUND “LOVE” ARE ALLIGNED WITH WHO YOU ARE AND THE WAYS THAT YOU GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE?  CAN YOU RECEIVE LOVE AS GENUINELY AS YOU OFFER IT UP TO OTHERS?  WHEN YOU GIVE LOVE IS IT FOR THE PURPOSE OF RECEIVING LOVE?

IN MY PRACTICE, I HEAR COUNTLESS STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE WHO CONFUSE LOVE WITH VALIDATION.  THE NEED TO FEEL LOVED IS ONE OF OUR BASIC NEEDS IN LIFE.  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS THE MOST AUTHENTIC FORM OF LOVE BECAUSE IT ISN’T CONTINGENT UPON ANYTHING AND IS FREE OF JUDGEMENT.  IT HAS NO LIMITS.

AS YOU THINK ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY DON’T CONFUSE LOVE WITH VALIDATION.  LOOK INWARD AND CELEBRATE ALL OF WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE AND LOVEABLE.  DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOUR MANY STRENGTHS AND TALENTS AND KEEP DISCOVERING WHAT IS AUTHENTICALLY “YOU”.

I can’t tell you how many times I hear people stressing out about all of the expectations and how they are going to divide up their time, budget, and loyalties to satisfy everyone.

Whether you’re stressing about your company holiday party,  your family loyalties, or  your budget, I suggest you evaluate your choices to see if these are alligned with who “you” are and let’s remember - you DO have choices.  Let’s not forget about that!  As you make choices, listen to that authentic inner voice and go with your intuition.  Check out how often you’re in the “should” mode.  Instead, think about what’s real for YOU.

Authenticity has it’s greatest rewards because it’s all about the freedom to “be”.  Remember those authentic moments that you value most?  Chances are it’s when you’re enjoying great conversations, sitting by a cozy fire, laughing with people you love, the sharing of food, memories, celebrating life together.. or when you simply get lost in the magic - like when you were a kid.

If “giving” is too stressful then it’s time to consider whether you’re giving is coming from a place of authenticity and is heartfelt.  If it is, you’ll find the joy and notch down the stress!

I say the beauty of the season is about celebrating the unique gifts that YOU bring to this world and the many ways you can have an impact on those around you.

More to come about giving authentically and enjoying the beauty of the season!  My guests will have many more rich messages to share on this topic too!  Tune in for more!

Last night was a classic example of the dance they do around closeness and around communicating. She was hurt because she made him a delicious dinner and he decided to nap before (unknown to her) going out with the “boys”, no longer hungry. The warm nurturing dinner meant for a cozy stormy new england friday night became stale and cold.

Bottom line is she decided to retreat and ignore her feelings rather than to use her own voice and tell her husband how hurt she felt. Once again, she stuffed them away, hoping to forget and be over it. Doesn’t work that way does it? Why? Because hurt turns into anger and resentment and then more distancing. A big price to pay for not using your own voice – wouldn’t you say?

I can’t tell you how often I hear stories just like this one and sadly, it isn’t just from women but men too.

Once you figure out what it is that you’re feeling regardless of how painful or difficult it might be – I highly recommend that you USE YOUR OWN VOICE. Stay connected with that authentic part of “you” – there is far more to gain and a lot less to lose. Take the risk, it’s worth it!

When angry or threatened, it is virtually instinctual for people to go into “defensive mode” and to activate each other.  I’ve seen countless numbers of  couples so fiercely defending their positions that they lose sight of what they are really protecting -  their pain, vulnerability and  fear. 

No wonder arguments become so destructive.   Another reason that differences cannot be understood nor successfully resolved.

Unless you are willing to share your pain, you’ll likely be engaged in a vicious cycle of witholding,  struggling for power, and distancing those around you.

Go for it!  It’s worth the risk and all part of being “human”.    An added bonus - you’ll learn something important about yourself in the process.

I believe that audiences will forever be captivated by stories such as the recent ”Craig’s List” story because the message speaks to so many people  living ” secret lives.”   Hopefully not nearly as profound or dangerous. 

Let’s face it, you’re pretty much invisible behind a computer screen.    I guess that explains all of the internet addictions springing up.   Hiding is easier than ever.   What would happen if you were to REVEAL instead of hide?

I hear countless stories of couples and parents in turmoil because they  ”found something”  - a text message or internet discovery that was not meant to be revealed.  All of this  leads to a painful trail of questions, mistrust, and betrayals.   These secrets have destroyed many marriages and families.

Remember that beneath all of your secrecy there is a ”need” and sense of isolation. 

There are many complex layers to living in secrecy.   Layers that not only involve the denial of the person in hiding, but the denial of others close to them. 

Everyone is masking something.  The question is - to what degree do your secrets interfere with your relationships,  happiness, and peace of mind?

You can remain anonymous or you can start revealing your needs.   Bottom line - it’s time to break this unhealthy cycle and start connecting on an authentic level.

Using food to mask your pain adds yet another layer of self-loathing,  makes you obsess about your body image/weight, and then you worry that you’ll never escape from this vicious cycle. 

Eating Disorders are another example of how you get lost, how perceptions of who you are become so distorted (including body image), because beneath it all,  you’re masking pain related to the need to feel loved and accepted. 

The key is how you choose to manage your needs and fears.   All I can say, is you’re way off track, if you believe that winning love means living up to a certain image based upon your beauty, success, or perfection.   Chances are you’ll create bigger problems by not looking at whatever it is that you can’t accept in yourself.   Deal with it.

If you believe you’re unlovable, then how can you expect others to feel any differently?  How will you ever be able to embrace it (love)?  These are the seedlings for self-defeating prophecies.

 The solution?  Find healthier alternatives for expressing pain and meeting your needs.   USE your pain/fear to uncover and discover important aspects of  “you”.   Take a look at ALL of what makes you who you are so that you can find what there IS to celebrate, and enjoy. 

You’re going to have to find a lens that can see beyond those flaws or you’ll never find the right recipe for giving or receiving healthy love.   Remember - YOU are the only person that can find the validation you most need.

This is a critical time because it is the very root of where the struggle with authenticity really begins – the whole issue of definining who you are as an individual, separate from family, peers, and the many demands from teachers, parents, etc. 

Worries about approval, sexuality issues,  and “appearance” cause intense stress during this stage of life.  As if that isn’t enough, there is the whole “college thing” and once again, fears about being “accepted” or “rejected”.

The other day, I was talking with a 17 year old girl who describes herself as always feeling anxious in situations at school because she is consumed by how others “see” her.   This creates many problems,  prevents her from maximizing her capabilities, interferes with her achievement, (grades are suffering), and stops her from pursuing her areas of talent.   Why?  She’s working overtime to keep her head above water just to win approval and compensate for what she perceives to be her flaws. 

She can’t ask for help (at school) because she is afraid she’ll appear “stupid”.  She believes she is ”fat”  (though she clearly is not) so she is extremely self-conscious, which inhibits her from participating in any sport (which is one of her talents).

Bottom line – this is only one of many adolescents who never realize their talent because of  fears and inhibitions related to appearances.  It is no coincidence that eating disorders, substance abuse, and other addictions have their early beginnings during this stage of life.

Perhaps it’s time for those who “lead” and influence adolescents (parents, teachers, counselers, etc.) to take a pause and evaluate the messages you are sending (overtly or covertly).

Are you overly focused on issues related to “perfection”, “measuring up”, “physical appearance”, “success”?    Are you comfortable with failure, vulnerability, revealing weakness/flaws?  Can you admit to being human and making mistakes? 

HOW OFTEN DO YOU ENCOURAGE THE POSITIVES - THOSE STRENGTHS, TALENTS, AND QUALITIES WHICH ARE UNIQUE?  OR ….ARE YOU MOSTLY FOCUSING ON WHAT NEEDS TO BE IMPROVED – THE PROBLEMS, AREAS OF WEAKNESS AND LIMITATIONS??

Don’t forget that each individual is unique and whatever you do, try to avoid imposing your own expectations and needs.   Build upon what is unique and make that a positive!

A good friend/colleague,  introduced me to the idea of using musical props as  a vehicle for clients to express feelings and share their stories.   

One day, a client asked me about my violin.  She talked about how small and fragile it seemed.  I asked her if she’d like to pick it up and hold it, even if she didn’t want to take a shot at playing it.  Her mood instantly shifted to sadness and she became teary eyed. 

I asked her if she could tell me more about her reaction to the violin, why it seemed so fragile and why holding it scared her.   She was crying at this point and said she was embarrassed.  This lead to a discussion about being fragile, how it scared her.  She was taught never to show weakness.  She doesn’t normally cry and her husband too, becomes upset and frustrated with her if she talks about being sad.  What does she do with these feelings, I asked?   She answered, that she’s learned to avoid crying or showing weakness because it only creates more problems. 

I explained that often people become upset and uncomfortable when others reveal something that is frightening and forbidden for THEM.   This does not mean there is anything wrong or unusual about sadness.  Feelings are neither ”right” or “wrong”, but are triggered by important events and are there for important reasons.  All feelings are REAL for those experiencing them and need to be understood and expressed.

Tears escalated into sobs and she shared her story about a miscarriage and the loss of a precious little fragile infant.   Something she’s never “talked about”.

Afterward, we discussed the many metaphors associated with holding that instrument.  No wonder she wasn’t able to “cradle” that “fragile” little violin beneath her chin.  She now understood the meaning & by just visualizing the violin, this opened the door for sharing her secret and disclosing her pain.

It is unfortunate that so many secrets and feelings, must be kept quiet, locked away, guarded, and protected, all because  being “fragile” somehow scares so many people. 

This reminds me of the message:   “FRAGILE – OPEN WITH CAUTION”.   Both seem to imply that by allowing yourself to be fragile, it means you are susceptible to being broken.  Not a good message to live by.

My violin still sits unbroken on my shelf,  ready to be cradled,  played, and enjoyed, in spite of it’s delicate tiny shape.